More important than having a policy, is to have a ‘culture’ of no bullying.  When I speak of culture we are speaking about what is expected of all in the community.  Our community is not just the students, but also the teachers, administration, safety officers, and parents.

To develop this kind of culture we must teach and model the values that promote ‘no bullying’.   So what are some of those characteristics.  Empathy, Kindness, Courtesy, Manners, Fairness, Respect, Open-Mindedness, Tolerance.

In fact, when we model and expect our community to demonstrate those qualities, that is when we are building culture.  All of us can begin with ourselves and check to be sure that we are practicing these qualities and then when we teach them we will be teaching from a position of authority.

“Research now suggests that bullies, their victims, bystanders, parents, teachers, and other adults in the building are all part of an ecology in schools that can either sustain or suppress bullying behaviors. And finding a solution to the problem requires a similarly broad, multilevel response . . . .

The solution is not as simple as having a program for the school.  It is not as simple as blaming it on the bullies home life, or it is just the way kids are.   It is not as simple as having rules, laws and punishments or zero tolerance policies.  It is really about what the culture of the community is about.
Every child needs at least 3 adults that are a part of their life in a significant way.  But if all of the adults do not demonstrate caring and respectful attitudes both towards the students and each other, bullying will never end.  If our students see the adults in their life use their power, intimidation and anger to get their way, it will be impossible for the students to live their life in a different manner.
What this means to us is that this is not easy.  All of us are responsible and determine whether bullying will continue in our schools and community or not.  Yes we are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution.

One of the observations that really stood out to me was that one parental characteristic that increased the likelihood of child bullying were parents getting angry with their child frequently and feeling that their child often did things to bother them.  This goes back to how it is a domino affect many times.  A boss gets angry with dad, dad comes home and get angry with mom or the kids, the kids get angry with the dog, sibling, or schoolmate and then it just continues.  The anger and frustration becomes bullying.

On the other side though it was found that parents also played a protective role. Those who shared ideas and talked with their child, and those who met most of their child’s friends were less likely to have children who bully.  Keeping those lines of communication open are so important to our children.  For them to know that they have someone that is willing to listen and hear their concerns and stories is a way of teaching and demonstrating empathy, which is key to preventing bullying and victims of bullies.

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“Bullies only speak one language.They are ALWAYS cowards.If you take a stand and leave a couple in a bloody heap,all of a sudden the bullies disappear.I am not a bully and neither are you.I was a big kid,and easy going as well and bullies used to misread this as weakness and then all of a suddern a freight train ran them over……….it was me deciding enough is enough.THEY KNOW ONE LANGUAGE……PICK ON SOMBODY WHO IS SMALLER,WHO IS MEEK,WHO ISN’T AS STRONG ,ETC.Bad character is ALWAYS a bad judge of character.Being polite and not using your size and strength to intimidate IS NOT weakness.Bullies are cured with one,sometimes two treatments.The really stubborn ones need three.They have an entitled and exhaggerated opinion of themselves and they are a HOUSE OF CARDS EVERY TIME.MAKE THEM EAT SOME LAWN GRASS AND A LITTLE GRAVEL TOO.THEY BECOME MAGICALLY POLITE AND RESPECTFUL.”

While this may have worked for this individual, for himself, I can assure him that the persons who were bullying him, “whom he cured with treatments”, simply moved on to a better target.  They did not stop bullying others and in fact most likely became more intense with their next victim.

So what is the answer?  There are no quick fixes.  There is not any sort of magic fairy dust that can be sprinkled on them that changes them.  All of us are involved in training ourselves and our children in the art of empathy, respect, anger management, manners and a host of other civilized conduct.  It is a way of thinking and feeling.  It is not weak but rather the use of simple tools that we can develop and train.

Everyone of our children deserve to see these qualities modeled by their parents, teachers and role models.  They all deserve to be given the tools, words and emotional strength to feel good about themselves and be strong and yet respectful of others.

This is the self defense that I feel is important to teach our children to use on a daily basis.  The more I study this subject, the more I talk about this with parents and students, the more aware I become of my own self.  I encourage everyone of us to look at the subject of anger and the results.  Discuss it with others and practice calming ourselves down.  Follow my blog at Balanced Life Skills for more information about anger management, teen suicide and bullying in the coming months.  Awareness will make a difference in each of us.

GRONINGEN, Netherlands, March 26 (UPI) — Most bullies are motivated to gain status and affection so they avoid bullying those who are well liked, Dutch researchers found.

Researchers at the University of Groningen, the Netherlands, said 15 percent of children are victimized, leading to depression, anxiety, loneliness and other negative outcomes.

Study leader Rene Veenstra and colleagues questioned almost 500 elementary-school children ages 9-12.

The study, published in the journal Child Development, found bullies generally choose to gain status by dominating their victims. However, at the same time, they try to reduce the chances that they’ll end up on the outs with other classmates by choosing victims who are weak and not well-liked by others, the study said.

In short, even bullies care a lot about others’ affection and don’t want to lose it, Veenstra said.

Gender also plays a role. For example, bullies ages 9-12 only care about not losing affection from classmates of their own gender.

So when boys bully boys, it doesn’t matter whether girls approve or disapprove, but boys will bully only those girls that aren’t well liked by other boys, regardless of what girls think. Girls will do the same in their bullying of boys, the study said.

by Ellen Rooney Martin Feb 16th 2010 10:30AM

Friendships can turn on a dime in middle school, as a girl named Jamie learned the hard way.

She was part of a group of friends until one of them casually suggested, “Let’s hate Jamie.” The next thing she knew, her former friends had created an “I Hate Jamie Club.” Other than being a preteen, Jamie had done nothing to deserve such treatment. But it was a horrible feeling nonetheless.

Kids can be cruel, even to their friends. But parents need to know that all of these behaviors — while often mean — are part of the roller coaster development process of early adolescence, Carl Pickhardt, author of “Why Good Kids Act Cruel: The Hidden Truth About the Pre-Teen Years” tells ParentDish. In the book, he uses anecdotes, such as Jamie’s story, as well as his experience as a long time counselor, to help parents coach their children — whether they are handing out some of the cruelty or on the receiving end of it.
Children begin testing their limits somewhere between the ages of 9 and 13, which often leads to strains in the parent/child relationship, Pickhardt says. Your children suddenly realize they don’t want to be treated as children anymore, and while parents may be giving them more independence, they aren’t exactly sure where they fit in. Often, the child’s self esteem takes a hit.

Among their peers, who are struggling to find their own place socially, things that were acceptable at a younger age can become sources for teasing. But when a child is teased, friends may pull away in an attempt to salvage their own social ranking, further unsettling a child’s self esteem.

Parents are often oblivious that any of this happens because they don’t see the other half of their child’s life at school.

“(Kids) keep their parents out of it to get social independence,” Pickhardt says.

Parents and schools have no idea how much energy children this age spend trying to get through the school day without standing out in a negative way, he says.

“Everyone is striving to get a social place,” Pickhardt says. “Even if they aren’t teased, they can see what is happening to other kids and know it could happen to them.”

This affects their behavior and they may begin to pull away from a friend who doesn’t have the social acceptance they want.

“They are worried about their own social survival,” Pickhardt says.

Parents can help by coaching their child before inevitable mean behavior starts. First, parents should work to remain close to their children by talking with them and spending time together even if the child prefers friends more. Explain that middle school will bring all kinds of changes socially, as well as physically and emotionally, and that name calling or teasing happens.

Pickhardt’s book offers a variety of strategies for dealing with teasing, exclusion from a group, bullying and rumors.

• To combat teasing, a child can try comebacks: “You’re right. I do dress strange sometimes.” or “Can you tell me more?” And the classic “Whatever.” Insults are about someone wanting to be mean, not something being wrong with the being teased child.
• When children are excluded from a group, they need to be reminded there are others that will enjoy their company and not to reject themselves. It’s important for parents to provide a variety of social outlets — not just school — at this age.
• Being bullied can be scary, but children can plant their feet, square their shoulders and look the bully in the eye. Often, bullies are looking not for a fight, but just someone to dominate, so appearing strong can move the bully away.
• There are lots of rumors flying in middle school, but teaching a child to not listen or pass them along and remain skeptical about rumors can go a long way to dulling them. Children can only control the truth about themselves, not what people say or think about them.
• When being ganged up on, teach children to remember there are people, like parents, who love them and are on their side no matter what.

Despite the natural instinct to want to protect your child from the woes of middle school, parents should think hard before they move beyond coaching their child, Pickhardt advises. Confronting another parent or arriving at school to talk to teachers can further hurt a child socially.

The best way to approach a situation where parental involvement is necessary is to broach the school with concern about both the bully and the victim, Pickhardt says. Cruel behavior ultimately hurts both sides at this age, he says. The bully never learns to properly interact with peers and continues to throw his weight around without making real friends. The victims continue to close in on themselves, never learning to correctly address teasing, rumoring and ganging up.

The good news is kids feel much more settled socially by the teenage years, says Pickhardt.

There are moments of choice in all our lives when we are called upon to stand up for our best dreams and aspirations.  Sometimes we recognize and seize these opportunities, sometimes we ignore these moments and sometimes we don’t ever hear their call to our spirits.  Each of these moments and our responses create long-lasting effects on our self-confidence and self-esteem; on our vision of the futures we want and on the dedication and determination with which we pursue our dreams.

Obviously being subjected to harassment, bullying and abuse, or giving in to the temptation to bully helpless people creates these critical moments.  And being a bystander or a witness to bullying and abuse is also one of these moments that calls out to our spirits.  Will we step up and defend what we know to be right?  Are we cowards or lazy?  Do we know what to do?  Are we skilled?

There are major long term effects on kids who are bystanders and look away or don’t know how to act effectively or who aren’t supported in their actions by responsible adults.  New studies are beginning to provide public evidence, but from our own experiences we all know what the results of those studies will be.

When we see a wrong being done, often repeatedly, and when we don’t act or when no one else acts to right that wrong, we are deeply affected.  When we don’t know what to do to stop the wrong our helplessness increases.  When the adults and other students don’t act to protect targets of abuse, our own vulnerability and insecurity increases tremendously.  Our guilt for our inaction tries to goad us to do better next time.

When we’re children, we try to make sense of the world.  When we see actions that don’t make sense or that seem evil, we are thrown into confusion and fear.  Naturally, we want our world to be reasonable and controllable.  And we want to be protected by the responsible adults – principals, teachers, parents.  When evil triumphs or wrong goes unpunished, the world becomes bleak and too many kids lose confidence in their own efforts and chances of success; we can get insecure, stressed, unassertive, discouraged and depressed, and we can give up.  And we also carry a great burden of guilt, shame and negative self-talk.

Since 60-70% of school children witness bullying, the scars on a significant percent of the population can be staggering.

One of our tasks as parents is to prepare our children and teenagers for these critical situations.  We must give our kids and teens age-appropriate guidance about their options: When and how to intervene by themselves, or to get principals, teachers and school staff involved, or to get us parents involved.

A second task for parents is to plan ahead; ally with like-minded, proactive parents to make sure that your:

• State legislators pass effective laws to stop bullying.
• School district administrators and your children’s school officials create policies and an effective program to stop bullies.
• Principal, teachers and staff are courageous and skilled in enforcing that program.

A key factor in every successful program is that bystanders-witnesses are rallied to support bullied targets, have been trained to be skillful in their actions and are backed by principals, teachers and staff.

Opportunities, moments of choice are precious and critical in every child’s development.  Every call we spurn becomes a burden that weighs us down.  The scars left by inaction when facing wrong or evil can last a lifetime and can diminish our lives.  They always remain to call us to do better next time.

As Pat Tillman’s father said about his son answering such a call, “You only get a few chances in life to show your stuff.  Often it’s a split second when you step up or you don’t.  If you don’t step up and you should have, that eats away at a young man.  And I don’t think it goes away when he gets older.”  The same goes for a young woman.

Here is the link to the original article: Link

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Resource cited: http://www.theprovince.com/health/Bullying+doesn+just+affect+victims+bystanders+well+Study/2342517/story.html

Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking.  To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).

It is incumbent on us then to be alert to signs of things changing for our child and to ask questions and pay attention to them.  Most bullying takes place out of site of those in authority.  I remember an adult who told me about an occaision when they were trapped by a fellow employee in an upstairs file room out of site of everyone and pushed against the wall and threatened because they thought the boss was beginning to trust that person more than the bully was comfortable with.

But if a child begins to lose interest in past friends, begins to do poorly in school, feels sick every morning prior to going to school, or comes home with scrapes and is not willing to tell the story to your satisfaction, these may all be signs of bullying.  The time for us to ask the right questions is now.  How we ask the questions and the importance of our reaction in our next post.

The New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services defines cyber-bullying as “the repeated use of information technology, including e-mail, instant messaging, blogs, chat rooms, pagers, cell phones and gaming systems to deliberately harass, threaten or intimidate others.”

According to the division, “in recent years, the Internet has not only increased the ability to bully at school, but has brought the problem into our homes and elsewhere – actually just about anywhere – at any time. Unlike physical bullying, where the victim can walk away, technology now allows for continuous harassment, from any distance, in a variety of ways.”

For example, today’s cyber-technology enables bullies to continue harassing and assaulting even if the victim moves to another school, another town or even another country thousands of miles away. Internet communication devices enable bullies to efficiently reach out their friends anywhere in the world where the victim moves. These friends then, via cyber space, efficiently inveigle their numerous friends in the community (where the victim moved) into ganging up on the target at any time in a variety of ways.

Responding to this emerging problem, the New York State Assembly considered a bill in the regular 2009 session to amend state education laws to prohibiting cyber-bullying at school, to establish a statewide toll-free hotline to investigate cyber-bullying and to require schools to develop educational programs to prevent cyber-bullying. The bill, however, never made it out of committee.

To date, the media and the law have mostly dealt with the cases where the number of perpetrators is very limited and/or where the perpetrator is a child. If a large number of people gang up on one person and/or if the perpetrators are adults who can premeditate and calculate their moves, it is significantly harder to prove their involvement.

According to the Division of Criminal Justice, “cyber-bullying is by no means confined to children. The problem is compounded by the fact that bullies are often anonymous and never have to confront their victims. This makes it difficult to trace the source, and encourages bullies to behave more aggressively than a traditional ‘physical world’ bully.”

For example, a picture of the target can be spread via the Internet to those who work at local restaurants and grocery stores where the target might go and influence them to collectively and aggressively bully the target. Thus, it could be hard to identify and prove bullying as well as to trace the cyber communication that led to the conspiracy.

I speak from experience, because I have been also subjected to underground cyber-bullying.

There are many ways to harm someone without leaving a trace of evidence if done by a large number of adults communicating through cyber-space. So at the end, it is important to undo the desire to control and harm another human itself.