“Research now suggests that bullies, their victims, bystanders, parents, teachers, and other adults in the building are all part of an ecology in schools that can either sustain or suppress bullying behaviors. And finding a solution to the problem requires a similarly broad, multilevel response . . . .

The solution is not as simple as having a program for the school.  It is not as simple as blaming it on the bullies home life, or it is just the way kids are.   It is not as simple as having rules, laws and punishments or zero tolerance policies.  It is really about what the culture of the community is about.
Every child needs at least 3 adults that are a part of their life in a significant way.  But if all of the adults do not demonstrate caring and respectful attitudes both towards the students and each other, bullying will never end.  If our students see the adults in their life use their power, intimidation and anger to get their way, it will be impossible for the students to live their life in a different manner.
What this means to us is that this is not easy.  All of us are responsible and determine whether bullying will continue in our schools and community or not.  Yes we are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution.

“THE number of overweight children is rising, a study has found that obese children under ten are still more likely to be bullied by thinner classmates even if they are popular or smart.”

As parents we must set the example and be aware of our health from all points of view.

15 May 2010, In many cultures fat is synonymous with good fortune and prosperity. You come from a well endowed home.

Which is fine until your body becomes over endowed and starts spilling over. And you are not yet ten. Regrettably, the odds of children growing out of it are slim, if one can play on the word. Parents, in their froth of fondness commit great folly. For years they will endearingly believe that the child, little apple of their eye, is only enjoying puppy fat and it will disappear. Puppy fat has been a good excuse and further compounded by the larger family in which grandparents add to the conspiracy and feed their children’s brood with calories and kindness.

They could not be more unkind. Yet, the awareness level has done little to wake everyone up to this self indulgence and its harmfulness. On the contrary there are more fat children now in wealthy high per capital societies than before. We continue to equate plumpness with success and good breeding.

And if we do not get the fact that we might as well be poisoning our children by the ongoing delusion that they are big boned new research shows that not only are the couch potatoes lazy as drones they also are soft targets.

ALTHOUGH THE number of overweight children is rising, a study has found that obese children under ten are still more likely to be bullied by thinner classmates even if they are popular or smart.

Researchers from the University of Michigan found that obese children are picked on more, regardless of gender, race, social skills, or academic achievement.

Dr. Julie C. Lumeng, who led the study, said she found the study slightly surprising and “disturbing.”

“Unlike in the 1980s so many kids are obese now. In some schools, half the class may be overweight … so I really thought that maybe being obese really doesn’t result in being bullied as much anymore. I was wrong,” she told Reuters Health. A quarter of the children reported being bullied, although their mothers said about 45 per cent of them were bullied.

According to the researchers, the odds of being bullied were 63 per cent higher for an obese child compared to a healthy-weight peer.

Children can be cruel and in their minds nicknames like Fatty, Jumbo, Big Martha, Roundy are par for the course and not hurtful.

One amazing fact is Lumeng also thought she’d find protective factors, like having good social skills and doing well in school.

“I thought maybe this would protect obese kids from being bullied. But no matter how we ran and re-ran the analysis, the link between being obese and being bullied remained,” Lumeng said.

“Parents of obese children rate bullying as their top health concern,” Lumeng and her colleagues note in their report published in Pediatrics. Obese children who are bullied also suffer more depression, anxiety and loneliness. “There is no simple solution to the problem,” Lumeng told Reuters Health. “I think it reflects the general prejudice against obese people,” and children, even at a very young age, pick up on this.

by Ellen Rooney Martin Feb 16th 2010 10:30AM

Friendships can turn on a dime in middle school, as a girl named Jamie learned the hard way.

She was part of a group of friends until one of them casually suggested, “Let’s hate Jamie.” The next thing she knew, her former friends had created an “I Hate Jamie Club.” Other than being a preteen, Jamie had done nothing to deserve such treatment. But it was a horrible feeling nonetheless.

Kids can be cruel, even to their friends. But parents need to know that all of these behaviors — while often mean — are part of the roller coaster development process of early adolescence, Carl Pickhardt, author of “Why Good Kids Act Cruel: The Hidden Truth About the Pre-Teen Years” tells ParentDish. In the book, he uses anecdotes, such as Jamie’s story, as well as his experience as a long time counselor, to help parents coach their children — whether they are handing out some of the cruelty or on the receiving end of it.
Children begin testing their limits somewhere between the ages of 9 and 13, which often leads to strains in the parent/child relationship, Pickhardt says. Your children suddenly realize they don’t want to be treated as children anymore, and while parents may be giving them more independence, they aren’t exactly sure where they fit in. Often, the child’s self esteem takes a hit.

Among their peers, who are struggling to find their own place socially, things that were acceptable at a younger age can become sources for teasing. But when a child is teased, friends may pull away in an attempt to salvage their own social ranking, further unsettling a child’s self esteem.

Parents are often oblivious that any of this happens because they don’t see the other half of their child’s life at school.

“(Kids) keep their parents out of it to get social independence,” Pickhardt says.

Parents and schools have no idea how much energy children this age spend trying to get through the school day without standing out in a negative way, he says.

“Everyone is striving to get a social place,” Pickhardt says. “Even if they aren’t teased, they can see what is happening to other kids and know it could happen to them.”

This affects their behavior and they may begin to pull away from a friend who doesn’t have the social acceptance they want.

“They are worried about their own social survival,” Pickhardt says.

Parents can help by coaching their child before inevitable mean behavior starts. First, parents should work to remain close to their children by talking with them and spending time together even if the child prefers friends more. Explain that middle school will bring all kinds of changes socially, as well as physically and emotionally, and that name calling or teasing happens.

Pickhardt’s book offers a variety of strategies for dealing with teasing, exclusion from a group, bullying and rumors.

• To combat teasing, a child can try comebacks: “You’re right. I do dress strange sometimes.” or “Can you tell me more?” And the classic “Whatever.” Insults are about someone wanting to be mean, not something being wrong with the being teased child.
• When children are excluded from a group, they need to be reminded there are others that will enjoy their company and not to reject themselves. It’s important for parents to provide a variety of social outlets — not just school — at this age.
• Being bullied can be scary, but children can plant their feet, square their shoulders and look the bully in the eye. Often, bullies are looking not for a fight, but just someone to dominate, so appearing strong can move the bully away.
• There are lots of rumors flying in middle school, but teaching a child to not listen or pass them along and remain skeptical about rumors can go a long way to dulling them. Children can only control the truth about themselves, not what people say or think about them.
• When being ganged up on, teach children to remember there are people, like parents, who love them and are on their side no matter what.

Despite the natural instinct to want to protect your child from the woes of middle school, parents should think hard before they move beyond coaching their child, Pickhardt advises. Confronting another parent or arriving at school to talk to teachers can further hurt a child socially.

The best way to approach a situation where parental involvement is necessary is to broach the school with concern about both the bully and the victim, Pickhardt says. Cruel behavior ultimately hurts both sides at this age, he says. The bully never learns to properly interact with peers and continues to throw his weight around without making real friends. The victims continue to close in on themselves, never learning to correctly address teasing, rumoring and ganging up.

The good news is kids feel much more settled socially by the teenage years, says Pickhardt.

One downfall to modern advances in communication is the overwhelmingly large audience that school bullies have at their fingertips.

John Halligan, a Vermont resident and the parent of a child who committed suicide at age 13 after being subjected to years of bullying, spent nearly two hours yesterday morning speaking about the dangers of cyberbullying before an auditorium packed full of Melican Middle School students.

The chatter and fidgeting that occurred moments before the start of the assembly came to a dramatic halt when the lights dimmed, the Elton John ballad “The Last Song” played from the speakers, and Halligan began a slide show depicting his son’s life.

After he finished speaking, he said the Melican student body was one of the most attentive he ever addressed.

“Oct. 27, 2003, was the day everything changed, and my life has not been the same since,” he said in a booming voice after the slide show ended. “That was the day my cell phone rang at 6 a.m. and my wife, Linda, told me our son, Ryan, had killed himself.”

From there, Halligan talked about his son’s life – the way he’d experienced developmental challenges and worked hard to overcome them, and how a history of bullying can be traced back to when Ryan attended fifth grade in Essex Junction, Vt.

“I think somewhere around fifth grade a meanness switch turns on accidentally inside a kid’s head,” Halligan said, “and sure enough that’s when it started for Ryan.”

The idea to invite Halligan to speak started when Assistant Principal Michelle Karb received a phone call from her mother, a Vermonter herself.

“We wanted to teach kids the dangers and effects of cyberbullying, and last summer I spent a lot of time researching,” Karb said. “Then my mom said she heard about Halligan’s presentation at a nearby school.

“I thought this would fit perfectly with the message we’re trying to promote about respecting others.”

Karb said that spreading the message of respect began earlier in the school year as an initiative to improve school culture and cut down on bullying. Teachers, Administrators, and Students for Kids was formed in the fall to support those goals.

Karb said parents have been overwhelmingly supportive.

“John (Halligan) spoke last night at a meeting for parents,” she said. “We expected about 60 parents to show up but wound up having to seat 120.

“His message had a powerful effect on them.”

Halligan told students yesterday that he had offered Ryan typical parental advice, telling him to ignore the bully. But over the years, the bullying only got worse. When Ryan made the mistake of telling his sworn enemy private information after the bully told him he wanted to be friends, then things changed from bad to worse.

“Ryan started going online in earnest in the summer of 2003,” said Halligan, choking back tears, “and that’s when he faced a new kind of bullying that has no limits, and I cannot imagine the pain and humiliation he faced in a world where information has limitless boundaries.

“It’s easy to hide behind a computer screen or a cell phone and spread mean rumors because there is no way for anyone to stop it.”

After the presentation, Halligan fielded students’ questions. Seventh-grader Jamie Swartout said she’d never forget the presentation.

“I know people who have been bullied online,” she said. “It hurts a lot.”

To read more about John Halligan’s mission, visit www.ryansstory.org.

There are moments of choice in all our lives when we are called upon to stand up for our best dreams and aspirations.  Sometimes we recognize and seize these opportunities, sometimes we ignore these moments and sometimes we don’t ever hear their call to our spirits.  Each of these moments and our responses create long-lasting effects on our self-confidence and self-esteem; on our vision of the futures we want and on the dedication and determination with which we pursue our dreams.

Obviously being subjected to harassment, bullying and abuse, or giving in to the temptation to bully helpless people creates these critical moments.  And being a bystander or a witness to bullying and abuse is also one of these moments that calls out to our spirits.  Will we step up and defend what we know to be right?  Are we cowards or lazy?  Do we know what to do?  Are we skilled?

There are major long term effects on kids who are bystanders and look away or don’t know how to act effectively or who aren’t supported in their actions by responsible adults.  New studies are beginning to provide public evidence, but from our own experiences we all know what the results of those studies will be.

When we see a wrong being done, often repeatedly, and when we don’t act or when no one else acts to right that wrong, we are deeply affected.  When we don’t know what to do to stop the wrong our helplessness increases.  When the adults and other students don’t act to protect targets of abuse, our own vulnerability and insecurity increases tremendously.  Our guilt for our inaction tries to goad us to do better next time.

When we’re children, we try to make sense of the world.  When we see actions that don’t make sense or that seem evil, we are thrown into confusion and fear.  Naturally, we want our world to be reasonable and controllable.  And we want to be protected by the responsible adults – principals, teachers, parents.  When evil triumphs or wrong goes unpunished, the world becomes bleak and too many kids lose confidence in their own efforts and chances of success; we can get insecure, stressed, unassertive, discouraged and depressed, and we can give up.  And we also carry a great burden of guilt, shame and negative self-talk.

Since 60-70% of school children witness bullying, the scars on a significant percent of the population can be staggering.

One of our tasks as parents is to prepare our children and teenagers for these critical situations.  We must give our kids and teens age-appropriate guidance about their options: When and how to intervene by themselves, or to get principals, teachers and school staff involved, or to get us parents involved.

A second task for parents is to plan ahead; ally with like-minded, proactive parents to make sure that your:

• State legislators pass effective laws to stop bullying.
• School district administrators and your children’s school officials create policies and an effective program to stop bullies.
• Principal, teachers and staff are courageous and skilled in enforcing that program.

A key factor in every successful program is that bystanders-witnesses are rallied to support bullied targets, have been trained to be skillful in their actions and are backed by principals, teachers and staff.

Opportunities, moments of choice are precious and critical in every child’s development.  Every call we spurn becomes a burden that weighs us down.  The scars left by inaction when facing wrong or evil can last a lifetime and can diminish our lives.  They always remain to call us to do better next time.

As Pat Tillman’s father said about his son answering such a call, “You only get a few chances in life to show your stuff.  Often it’s a split second when you step up or you don’t.  If you don’t step up and you should have, that eats away at a young man.  And I don’t think it goes away when he gets older.”  The same goes for a young woman.

Here is the link to the original article: Link

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Resource cited: http://www.theprovince.com/health/Bullying+doesn+just+affect+victims+bystanders+well+Study/2342517/story.html

Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking.  To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).

It is incumbent on us then to be alert to signs of things changing for our child and to ask questions and pay attention to them.  Most bullying takes place out of site of those in authority.  I remember an adult who told me about an occaision when they were trapped by a fellow employee in an upstairs file room out of site of everyone and pushed against the wall and threatened because they thought the boss was beginning to trust that person more than the bully was comfortable with.

But if a child begins to lose interest in past friends, begins to do poorly in school, feels sick every morning prior to going to school, or comes home with scrapes and is not willing to tell the story to your satisfaction, these may all be signs of bullying.  The time for us to ask the right questions is now.  How we ask the questions and the importance of our reaction in our next post.

Our child and for that matter ourselves if we are being bullied at work, can grow in this area as we build confidence, learn both concepts and skills and develop a support system around us to combat bullies.

The very first step is recognizing that being a target is not our fault and that we do not have to put up with it continuing.  In fact we can do something about it whether we are a child or an adult.  In the next post I will discuss how to know before our child admits it – if they are a target of a bully.